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10 Ways Mitt Romney Can Make His Campaign More Exciting

mitt romney president gop boring dull lukewarm candidate
Win McNamee, Getty

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney might be squeezing out a lead in the Republican primaries, but his dull demeanor and lukewarm personality have turned him into a giant Ambien on the electorate, even for some of the people in his own party.

Pundits on both sides of the aisle are saying that if the GOP doesn’t want to face a disjointed convention, Romney’s people need to do something soon to make their candidate seem as exciting as a fire-breathing Ronald Reagan riding a giant undead elephant towards the White House at the end of 2012. Here are some suggestions:

1. Undergo medical testing to prove that he does have a personality.

2. Send him on a state-to-state chainsaw massacre to ensure that all of America’s trees are the right height like they are in Michigan.

3. Challenge Joe Biden to a knife fight.

4. Make a $10,000 bet to see who can shotgun a beer the fastest.

5. Talk about how the Founding Fathers dreamed of a nation where the people no longer had to fight for their right to party.

6. Insist that America needs to build the Keystone Light pipeline.

7. Ask Herman Cain if he can borrow one of his leftover sexual harassment stories.

8. Steal Newt Gingrich’s “moon colony” idea and one-up it by promising to open the first Hooters on it.

9. Every time he flip flops, he does a shot.

10. His new campaign slogan? “He’ll pay you to like him and you know he can do it.”

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