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Please Don’t Tell Me About the ‘Crazy’ Dream You Had Last Night — The Fairer Sex Files

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So I broke it off with someone I really liked a lot three days ago, and then immediately got the flu. I don’t want to talk about it, leave me alone. I mean, Happy Valentine’s Day! Let me tell you about the weird dream I had last night!

Post-breakup dreams are the worst; it feels like your subconscious is trying to punish you for being bad at love. Last night I had this really pleasant dream where he and I were riding the subway together, jumping on and off trains and making out and…

…Wait, you don’t care about this. You shouldn’t! Why? Because listening to other people talk about their dreams is terrible, terrible torture. Unless of course, it’s the Butthole Surfers telling you:

Dreams are confusing, hard-to-follow nonsense for the dreamer themselves, and even worse for the listener. Have you ever noticed that when someone tells you about their dream it is 90% explaining and prefacing, and almost every sentence has a question mark on the end? Have you also noticed that you cannot wait for them to stop talking?

Examples:

“And you were there with me…Well it didn’t look like you? It looked like John Denver, but I knew it was you?”

“We were in a restaurant, and then all of a sudden we were in my Grandma’s hospital room — which I guess is because today is the fourth anniversary of her death — but there were a bunch of hermit crabs crawling all over the floor? I mean I had a hermit crab named Crabby Nana as a kid, maybe that’s why? What do you think it all means?”

Crabby Nana’s owner straight up deserves a punch in the nose.

Let’s be real: the only time people ever put any real effort into “figuring out what a dream means” is when they desperately want it to point to some sort of cosmic conclusion that they’re rooting for in their life. Of course we all want to believe that we’re receiving some sort of heavenly guidance while we drool on our pillows, but It can get real awkward real fast when you witness that sort of pleading self-rationalization happening in your friend — that’s what dream journals are for, brother.

Trust me, your friends already know that you’re hoping that your former love interest will settle into that crazy new job, stop working 18-hour days and realize that balance is important and love makes life better and call you to tell you they miss you…or some other completely fictional and heartbreaking example…

Anyway, there’s no need to tell your friends about your dreams. Or you know, the entire internet.

Happy Valentine’s Day, jerks. Listen to this:

Jackie Mancini is the associate editor of GuySpeed and an unabashed lover of large breasts, porno, foul mouths and loud music. Her childhood diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder is most likely responsible for her current position as the only female employee of a men’s website. Her column ‘The [Fairer Se]X Files’ appears every Wednesday. You can read more of her work here, and you can also follow her on Twitter.

Next Fairer Sex Files: Polyamorous Neighbors

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