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Dumb Criminals

Todd Helton DUI
Getty Images
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Todd Helton Gets a DUI, Drove Drunk to Get Lotto Tickets

Colorado Rockies superstar Todd Helton is one of the greatest hitters of his generation, thanks in large part to his keen eye at the plate. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about his mugshot. The 39-year-old first baseman was arrested early Wednesday morning at a Colorado gas station for allegedly driving drunk.

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contempt
YouTube
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Rude Girl Flips Off Judge, Gets 30 Days in Lockup

Left on her own without legal representation, this girl (who was awaiting arraignment for a first arrest) was in over her head. It probably also didn't help that she didn't get the sobering reality of being physically present in court to knock some sense into her, since this is a video arraignment taking place from jail, where she is nervous and surrounded by other inmates. Oh, and it doesn't help that this judge is clearly some kind of jerk.

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Drunk Guy
Getty Images
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Drunk Man Pees in Cop Car, But Don’t Worry — He Was Wearing a Diaper

We're no experts, but we imagine that dealing with drunken idiots is every cop's least favorite part of the job, especially guys like the dude about at Oktoberfest, or the Seattle man who recently peed in the back of a patrol car on Sunday while being transported to jail. Hey, can you blame him? At least he was wearing a diaper at the time.

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The Jerk
You Tube
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Drunken Jerk Drops Pants, Spanks Off, Sings for Police

Across the bayou, it is not difficult to find a crossbreed of stark-raving mad drunkards and dive bar sideshows aggressively humping the legs off civil society. Unfortunately, when there is nothing civilized left for these gutter fiends to devour besides the skin in between their teeth, the only hope for the rest of us is that soon the flood waters will rise again and bury these beasts at sea.

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Category: Dumb Criminals, Humor, Weird News Tags:
Timothy Bonner
WPXI
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Dumb Prisoner Escapes So He Can Drink at a Bar

Timothy Bonner went from the cooler to drinking a cool one and back again.

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Wings Thieves
WGCL
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Desperate Men Commit Inside Job in Crime of the Century, Stealing $65,000 Worth of Chicken Wings

The brains behind a fowl crime in Georgia’s Gwinnett County thought they’d get away with it on a wing and a prayer.

Especially a wing.

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TV Thief
iStockphoto
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Man Addicted to Stealing TVs Finally Gets Caught

Matthew Colleluori is in LC-deep trouble.

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Donkey
egonwegh, Flickr
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Braying Getaway Donkey Foils Robbery

Three thieves wanted to knock over a small shop in the Columbian village of Juan de Acosta. For their getaway, they enlisted the services of a donkey.

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Ryan Hopkins
Woodford County Sheriff's Office
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Drunken Thief Was Too Bombed to Rob Little Caesars

Like so many of us have done, Ryan Hopkins made a bad decision while drunk. Unlike the rest of us, he decided to rob a Little Caesars. But the stick-up didn't go quite the way he had (probably not) planned.

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Corpus Christi PD
Corpus Christi PD
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Drunk Driving Suspect Pulls a ‘Michael Jackson’ During Sobriety Test

When it comes to dumb criminals and weird news stories, seems like they mostly come from the state of Florida. This time around, it was a creative DWI suspect in Corpus Christi, TX who decided the typical sobriety test wasn't creative enough, so she chose instead to 'moonwalk.'

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Florida Man Arrested for Giving Wedgies
iheartshiena.blogspot.com
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Florida Man Arrested for Giving Strangers Wedgies

When you're a kid in school, doling out wedgies might land you in detention at worst. But as some 18-year-old knucklehead in Florida recently learned, its a totally different story when you're an adult.

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Chester the Cheetah
Cheetos
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Police Arrest Teen Thief by Following Trail of Cheetos to His Front Door

As any thief worth his salt knows, a clean getaway is absolutely essential. Well, a South Carolina teen recently botched a robbery in a big way after police followed a trail of Cheetos right to his front door(While that's not the thief pictured above, authorities should still be on the lookout for a hungry cheetah in human clothing.)

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